Co-dependency??!!

I’m Ok ONLY if you’re OK….. Romeo!

By Debbie Rasso, LMHC, CAP, NCC

When you find yourself living to make someone else happy, you might just be a co-dependent. When another person’s needs are more important than your own, you might just be a co-dependent. When it is your job to save someone, you just might be a co-dependent.  Everyone knows the age old story of Romeo and Juliet.  One was unwilling to live without the other… this is codependency at work.  It creeps up on some people.  You think that the relationship is equal and he/she is the “love of your life”. Suddenly, the relationship is your life.  You are “holding it all together”.  The more you do for this person, the more you have to do for this person.  Then you figure… he/she will need me if I do everything for them and then they will LOVE me.  And in the end that is what you are looking for – someone to love you.  Here is a novel idea… love yourself instead!  If you put the energy into taking care of yourself that you do taking care of that other person, you will probably realize you are much happier and you deserve someone who will give as much as they take, an equal partner.

Co-dependents are addicted to the relationship.  That is why it is important in early recovery to avoid relationships.  You replace your drug with a person.  Suddenly you want to do everything and anything for that other person. All your energy is invested in making this other person happy.  Just like all your energy used to be invested in finding that drug or drink and enjoying that rush when you took it… but soon it turned into the quest to be able to find more. Yes, sometimes that person will love you back and you will feel the thrill of being loved and needed, not long after you will feel the emptiness again when they disregard your feelings or disappoint you. Then…. the chase is back on to meet their needs again and this time you are SURE it will be different…

If you are an addict/alcoholic there was probably a co-dependent right next to you trying to take care of you and keep you from consequences. Dad didn’t let you go to jail, Mom gave you money when deep down she knew it was for drugs, wife called your work and said you had the “flu”. The list goes on. Behind every good addict is a better co-dependent. Now that you are in recovery, don’t go to the “dark side” and become the co-dependent for another addict. Stop the cycle.

Just because you have been the addict, don’t think you can’t be the co-dependent. Often you are both. If you find you have low self-esteem, you try to control others, you’re a perfectionist, you deny your own feelings (or don’t even know what they are), you don’t feel you can trust people, you’re always doing more than everyone else, you will do anything to stay in the relationship, and you feel like no one appreciates all that you do, then you might be a co-dependent and you probably aren’t very happy.

There are so many books that can help you. One of the most popular is “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Therapy will help you. There are also meetings and support groups such as CODA  (Codependents Anonymous). Stop the madness. Take care of yourself. Believe that you are worth it – Because you are!

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed.

Easy way to understand addiction.

Be Healthier!

When the stress and wear and tear of everyday life gets us down, there are small things that we can do that will allow us to take a break and improve our well-being. Here are some research-supported practices that can help us feel better and less stressed or troubled:

1. Express Gratitude. Research in positive psychology has discovered the benefits of expressing gratitude—appreciating what we have, or thanking someone for something positive they have done for or given us. Not only can gratitude make us feel better and more optimistic, but it increases empathy, and, if expressed to a friend or loved one, makes them feel better, too.
2. Laugh and Be Happy. Laughter may not be the best medicine, but it certainly can make us feel better. Laughter can increase energy, and it’s hard to feel stressed when you are laughing. Even smiling can have an effect. Research on the facial feedback effect found that when participants were made to smile (by holding a pencil between their teeth), it increased their feelings of happiness. In addition, laughter is infectious and can lighten a tense situation, or make another person feel better.
3. Take a Break. Taking a break from the everyday grind—a weekend getaway, a round of golf, a good workout, a shopping spree—can provide welcome stress relief. The critical element, however, is to truly “take a break,” and not sit ruminating on what you are not getting done. Rewarding yourself with a break is a quick way to get some relief.
4. Count Your Blessings. Related to gratitude, this is actually taking inventory of the good things in your life. Focusing too much on the negatives, leads to pessimism and, in extremes, can make us feel hopeless and helpless. Focus on the positives—good friends, good times, your talents and strengths—and you should feel better.
5.  Visit Someone Who Needs You. Being a support to friends or loved ones in their time of sickness or trouble not only makes them feel better, but can improve your well-being, both through the shared camaraderie, and from knowing that you are helping them get through a difficult time.
6. Spend Quality Time With a Loved One. Nothing is more rewarding than spending focused, positive time with someone you love. Whether it is a romantic dinner, an outing with a child, reminiscing with parents, or an enjoyable activity with a sibling or best friend, these intense, focused interactions lead to the positive memories that will get us through future hard times.
7. Volunteer or Help Someone. Many people engage in volunteer work simply because it makes them feel good to know that they are helping others. And it’s an easy thing to do because there are so many structured volunteer organizations.

You may notice connections between these positive practices – helping others, positive emotions, sharing. These are the elements that lead to a positive and psychologically healthy life.

We are all very human….