Bullying features ‘hugely’ in addicts’ childhoods | Irish Examiner

Bullying features ‘hugely’ in addicts’ childhoods | Irish Examiner.

A different kind of parenting…and trauma for families

Mistletoe, Menorahs and Martinis????

Mistletoe, Menorahs and Martinis?

By Deborah Rasso, MS, LMHC, CAP

December is usually a month to remember, but not if you drink too much.  Alcohol use increases dramatically during the holidays. An increase like this can lead to heartache and problems.  Parties abound and it becomes more acceptable to drink. However, most people don’t realize that alcohol and drug use cause a higher rate of casualties during the holidays.  The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration studies have shown that during the holidays two to three times more people die in alcohol-related crashes.

It doesn’t take many drinks to be TOO MANY drinks. Most people are not aware of the effect of alcohol on decision making ability, reaction time and general behavior.  Depth perception is greatly affected by alcohol.    How many drinks can you have before safely driving?  Ideally, NONE.  Alcohol continues to affect the brain and body long after your last drink. In fact, your judgment is impaired for several hours after you put down the last glass. Even the hangover the next day can impair your ability to drive to some degree.

If a person must drive after a party, remember that you should have no more than one standard size drink per hour. This would equal either one 5 oz. glass of wine, one 12 oz. beer or 1.5 oz. of hard liquor (either straight or mixed in a drink). You might try drinking a non-alcoholic beverage in between alcoholic drinks.  If you have had more than one standard size drink per hour, don’t get behind the wheel.  Your chances of being in an alcohol related accident increase dramatically with every two drinks you consume.  A common misconception is that if you have coffee, you will be able to drive.  Not true, coffee does not lower the blood alcohol level.  Coffee does not “sober you up”.   Call a taxi, call a friend, or just stay where you are. Better safe than sorry.

Drinking and driving carries other costs as well.  If you get a DUI arrest, you can lose either your freedom or a great deal of money hiring an attorney. Many have paid well over $10,000 to stay out of jail after a DUI.

It is always advised that you have a designated driver. This person should have no alcoholic drinks so they will not put anyone at risk when they transport you home. It is important to have your “wits about you” when driving during the holidays because even if you don’t drink and drive, you don’t know about the car coming from the other direction. Quick reflexes may save your life.

If you know someone who drinks and drives frequently, they may need help in finding motivation to stop the abuse of alcohol. You can find support from local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Al-Anon meetings (for the family) or a local therapist specializing in addictions.

Deborah Rasso, MS CAP is a Certified Addiction Professional/Therapist specializing in substance dependence. She has a private practice in Wellington. She can be reached at 561-308-4774.  

ADHD and Crime article… impulsive = jail?

Go Undiagnosed, Go Directly to Jail? The Truth About Adult ADHD and Crime (taken from Everydayhealth.com)

By Jeff Emmerson

Published Feb 8, 2014

Did you know that 20 to 45 percent of adult inmates have ADHD? Several studies have found that a large number of inmates had ADHD as children and that many of them continue to show symptoms as adults. I read this in an article by adult ADHD coach Pete Quilythe other day, and although at first I found the statistics shocking, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

I’ve been inside a jail cell myself. I was 21, sitting on a cold steel bed and contemplating suicide for the first of several times in my life.

Criminally Impulsive: My Time in Jail

I was arrested because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I had anger issues, especially where women were concerned. I sought out flighty, pretty women who would meet me on a whim and “see where things went.”

I ended up with a criminal record and what is referred to as a “weapon prohibition” here in Canada, because my conviction was for uttering threats. I was a 21-year-old hothead who wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I totally understand why I was given the 10-year ban on owning a gun due to public safety. I have always taken 100 percent responsibility for my mistakes.

It would be more than a decade before I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. I’m not saying that being unaware of my condition is what put me in jail, but I do know that if I had been diagnosed and started treatment for my adult ADHD earlier, I might have avoided many of the darkest moments of my life. At 21, I just didn’t have the right skill set to understand let alone fix the cause of most of my problems: impulsiveness and hyperactivity.

Adult ADHD and Crime Don’t Have to Go Together

The sooner people stop making light of ADHD, the better. According to Quily, adults with ADHD are four to nine times more likely to commit crimes and end up in jail. That’s nothing to joke about. On top of all those lives that could be improved just through screenings, just think about the cost of incarcerating so many people. Wow, do I feel a sense of personal responsibility here, especially after nearly losing it all, as strong and determined as I always was. ADHD broke me, and it took a two-week stay in a psych ward to begin the process of starting to re-build with a new awareness and some small feeling of hope in my future.

The implication of these statistics is dire for those suffering from the monster known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. How many have already killed themselves? How many are in the fog of addiction? The world is just beginning to wake up to this mental health condition for what it is, and, equally important, what it isn’t. A diagnosis doesn’t mean the rest is a walk in the park or some sort of genius-inducing superpower. Sure, I have some special skills and abilities, but we all have gifts just like we have areas to work on.

Second Chances — and Treatment — Are Effective

Since my time in jail in my 20′s, I’ve worked hard to “prove myself” in many ways,  including pursuing my goal for over a decade of becoming an armed guard. My diagnosis in 2011 was the true beginning of a major shift in my awareness. Yes, I’ve had a bad spell here and there, but I got the help I needed, and am much more aware these days. I am grateful every single day for my new life and goals.

I got the gift of a second chance, but most aren’t as lucky as I was. Jails and prisons should implement ADHD screening and testing. Just think of how many million lives and dollars could be saved with that one simple change! Most people in jail aren’t career criminals. If you believe in them and give them a chance to get better, they can do amazing things in life! I see that every single day when I look in the mirror.

Overcoming 3 Common Obstacles in Therapy

Taken from Psychcentral.com “World Of Psychology”

By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.
Associate Editor

If you’re new to therapy, you may not know what to expect. To help you make the most of the process, we asked seasoned clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, to share the three biggest obstacles in therapy along with how to overcome each one.

1. Shame

Howes believes shame is the most debilitating obstacle to therapy because it stops people from seeking help in the first place.

“Shame has a way of doubling the issues: There’s the original problem (depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, etc.); then there’s the shame about having that issue…”

Howes spends a lot of time with clients addressing their shame, before delving into the reasons they came in. He helps clients accept their problem, and normalizes it. He reminds them that “this could happen to anyone” because you’re never alone in your thoughts, feelings, needs, worries or concerns.

“Shame lies and tells us that if ‘people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me,’” Howes said. But we can chip away at this shame.

For instance, making an appointment with a therapist and talking about minor issues in your life reduces shame, he said. Diving into your deepest, darkest stories demolishes it, he said.

“One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a therapist is that everyone, and I mean everyone has their baggage, their insecurities, their quirks and hangups. Once you accept that you have yours too and that’s OK, it all becomes much more manageable.”

2. Lack of Information

Many people don’t know how therapy works, which makes them feel awkward and uncomfortable in their sessions. They’re not “sure if it’s OK to ask the therapist personal questions, if they can swear in sessions, or what to do when they feel like it’s time to end therapy,” Howes said.

He knows many clients who’ve left therapy because of undefined rules, which only made them feel worse about the process and themselves.

“One woman asked her therapist of several months if she would come to her birthday party, and the therapist said no and offered no explanation. The client felt rejected and left therapy, and I don’t blame her.”

People often use the media to fill in the information gap. But media portrayals are distorted. On-screen clinicians are typically caricatures, Howe said. “[S]ome are so cold and detached they’re mute, others are so critical they seem sadistic, and therapists in comedies are usually so wacko themselves they can’t possibly be of any help.”

Even reality shows rarely feature therapists who are caring, ethical, skilled and human, he said.

Of course, these portrayals are meant for entertainment purposes. But they still color people’s perceptions of what therapists and therapy is like.

Howes underscored that clients can ask anything in therapy. You can ask questions about comments your therapist made. You can inquire about a specific technique or their body language. You can ask questions about their fees or waiting room, he said.

“[Y]ou might not always get the answer you want, but the response should be non-defensive and make sense.” And if it doesn’t make sense or you don’t even get an answer, then you’re allowed to feel upset, and maybe even leave and find another therapist, he said.

For additional information, Howes pens a thoughtful blog on therapy called “In Therapy.” He also recommended Irvin Yalom’s The Gift of Therapy, which he called “the most enlightening and entertaining book describing therapy for therapists and their patients, from the initial session through termination.”

3. Trust

Clients often feel hurt and betrayed by loved ones. But in order for therapy to be successful they need to reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings to a qualified but complete stranger. In other words, therapy requires that clients trust their therapists. “We’re asking a lot,” Howes said.

Naturally, trust becomes a big obstacle, because clients may hold back or leave before their issues are resolved, he said.

If you have significant trust issues, Howes said, take your time and build trust gradually with your therapist. He suggested starting with light topics and seeing how your therapist handles them. “They say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so if you felt your therapist was trustworthy with lighter issues, this might hold true for deeper issues as well.”

It also might help to tell your therapist directly that you’ve been betrayed in the past, and you’re revealing information slowly “according to how much trust you feel. Now you’re in the driver’s seat, instead of feeling pulled into a premature disclosure of your issues.”

Overall, Howes stressed the importance of clients communicating honestly with their therapists, whether it’s about the shame you’re experiencing, a point you don’t understand or how certain circumstances wounded your trust.

“Therapy is all about the relationship in the end, and many of these obstacles can be overcome if and when you acknowledge your issues and share them with your therapist,” Howes said. “That’s what we’re here for.”

Three things you should never say to an addict…

http://drugabuse.com/3-things-you-should-never-say-to-an-addict/

Understanding Empathy

Can Stress be good?

Are you a Perfectionist???

6 Signs You’re a Perfectionist (and How to Lighten Up)
By Everyday Health Guest Contributor
Published Oct 1, 2014

www.Everydayhealth.com

By Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, Special to Everyday Health

My name is Elizabeth, and I am a recovering perfectionist.

From striving for As in school to making dramatic efforts to be thin, I always pushed myself to be better, relentlessly seeking perfection. My perfectionism helped me achieve some significant things — academic awards, degrees, honors — that furthered my career. Because perfectionism is often rewarded in our society, I thought that if I were perfect, if I achieved all my goals, I would be happy.

But to the perfectionist, nothing is ever enough. The sought-for happiness never arrives because we’re so focused on what we haven’t accomplished, what we should have done. I constantly judged myself as not being good enough, and beat myself up for my failings. Because my sense of self-worth was conditional, my self-confidence was as well. I feared failure, and I feared how others saw me.

My strict demands on myself even carried over to my expectations of others. After all, we often treat others the way we treat ourselves. For a perfectionist, that entails judgment and disappointment when people don’t meet the standards we set for them — whether we let on about these standards or not.

I’d been striving for pride in my accomplishments, confidence in my abilities, and strong, loving relationships with those around me. Instead, I had sleepless nights, overwhelming stress, and unnecessary tears, tension, and trials for me and those I love. Ironically, my dedication to perfection made me unable to be the person I truly wanted to be.

As a clinical psychologist, I have come to realize many people suffer from perfectionist tendencies without knowing it. Though they strive to succeed, their perfectionism instead hinders their success, often leading to depression, stress, insomnia, strained relationships, health problems, and work concerns.

Take the Perfectionist ‘Test’
Pushing for perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. The good news is that we can ditch the perfectionism and still achieve what we set out to accomplish. We can become better than perfect.

Are you a perfectionist? Below are six signs of perfectionism — and what you can do about it if you see yourself in this list:

1. You think (and act) in all-or-nothing terms. You ate one cookie, blowing your diet — so you might as well eat the whole package! Since you can’t meditate for 30 minutes, you don’t meditate at all. If you’re not skinny, then you’re fat. If you’re not beautiful, then you’re ugly. All. Or. Nothing.

What to do: Acknowledge that the world doesn’t work in terms of black and white. Try to get comfortable with shades of gray.

2. You have strict “rules” about how you and others should act. Do any of these statements resonate for you?

“I should be more successful.”
“I should be in better shape.”
“She should call me more.”
“I cooked dinner; he should do the dishes.”
Such statements create the opposite effect of what we want, and can leave us feeling guilty, ashamed, disappointed, or angry.

What to do: Focus on appreciation rather than judgment. Consider that there might be positive motivations behind people’s actions.

3. You hate feedback. You view constructive remarks as an attack on your core worth, invoking intense shame. Even a simple comment like “You might have tried X…” translates in your mind to “You are worthless.”

What to do: Stop personalizing feedback and use it to your advantage. If you had a big black thing stuck on your tooth, wouldn’t you want to know so you could get rid of it? We’re all works in progress. Give yourself a break.

4. You beat yourself up. Now, how about your feedback about yourself? Everyone has an inner critic, but yours is as strong as Ms. Universe. You find fault in almost everything you do, berating yourself for what you “should” have said or done, what you should or should not be.

What to do: Self-criticism derives from fear. Focus instead on passion: Concentrate on what you want to create in your life and what you feel grateful for right now. When we focus on the positive, we find there are more positives to see.

5. You define yourself by your accomplishments, which you rate with increasingly higher standards. You constantly judge yourself by how much you have achieved rather than by how much you have strived, and you’re rarely satisfied with either. You think, “I’ll feel good about myself when I ….” Once you achieve that goal, you raise the bar, determining that it’s actually the next goal that will finally satisfy you.

What to do: Recognize that conditional self-worth is ultimately counterproductive. Instead, try to embrace your soul-worth. No matter what you do or say, whatever you look like or however much you accomplish, you are an amazing person because you are you. Stop focusing on what you aren’t and instead cultivate your values and strengths: what you are. With this comes unconditional love for yourself.

6. You have “no time” for you. You prioritize other people’s needs above yours. You tell yourself you will sleep, meditate, relax, have fun, etc., only after you finish all your other responsibilities — when you have time. But you never find that time.

What to do: In short: Put your oxygen mask on first. Schedule daily time for yourself — even if that’s just five minutes of meditation or a warm bath. When you address your own needs, you’ll be in a better position to address all the things you value.
It takes some effort, and lots of patience, but if you work toward freeing yourself from perfectionism, you can become happier and more energized to create the life you want. Ditch the perfectionism: Be better than perfect.

Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who helps people before they need a “shrink” couch. She’s appeared on Today, The Dr. Oz Show, and CNN. Her newest book is Better than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love (Seal Press, October 2014).

Nice little video